With all of the posts about kids going back to school - or friends going back to school - it's made me think about my school experiences. University and business college were good in that everyone was there for the same purpose - to get a degree/diploma.
Elementary and high school were giant piles of shit.
Being 31 and looking back at my high school and elementary school experiences, so many things are opening my eyes. And it's making me nostagically depressed.
I went to a couple different elementary schools simply because of logistics. My mom went back to work when I was in grade 2, so halfway through the year I went to school with my cousins because my Gramma could drive me (she used to be my cousin's caregiver and lived only a couple blocks away from us). Then my dad got a job transfer to a remote northern SK community, which meant that we spent the grade 3 school year up there. Then transfer back to Saskatoon, putting me in a new school in grade 4 onwards.
This school was where everything just went to shit. I was made fun of for being fat constantly. Always by the boys. And before anyone tries to say "Ohhhh that must mean that they liked you" you can go jump up your own ass and die. If anyone makes fun of anyone, it's because they're a goddamn bully and their parents didn't teach them to treat other people nicely. I remember being in grade 5 - so like 10 years old - and begging my mom to let me go back to my cousin's school. I was bawling about how badly I was being treated, but there was no budging her. I don't know if she thought I was exaggerating, or if it really just wasn't that easy to switch schools, but I wish that she had stood up for me.
Once puberty hit, things kind of went sideways. I was better at hiding the majority of my pain, but then I'd have these huge outbursts at the worst times. Like at a social gathering. And still these boys persevered in making me feel like shit.
High school, the girls started in. Oh, it wasn't calling me fat (to my face) or making remarks about my appearance in general, it was moreso just backstabbing bitchiness and general snobbiness. The high school I went to didn't really help that matter; at the time, it was seen as the snobby rich kid school - something I completely agree with now.
It was in high school that my depression reared its ugly head; it was in high school that I felt like nothing; it was in high school that I tried to end my life several times.
A friend and I were chatting awhile ago - one of the few friends I've kept in contact with since graduating - about just how awful everyone was there, and how it was a goddamn miracle that we found each other. And it's true! So many people look back at high school fondly, but I look back at it in disgust. I look back at those 4 years as the beginning of my mental health crumbling, and oh how I wish that we could have nipped those issues in the bud.
As an adult, I'm still prone to bottling up emotions and things until I have inopportune outbursts. Usually it involves me crying and yelling. I find that I've been becoming more introverted and socially anxious, and I really really hate it. I hate that every single time I leave the house, I worry about what strangers are going to think of me. And the only reason that fear/worry is in my head is because for Four. Straight. Years. I was told I wasn't good enough; I was told that my appearance was the only thing that mattered; I was told that boys wouldn't want to date me because I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough. For fucks sake - I was a size 12 in high school. TWELVE. And I was being made fun of for that.
If there's anything that I hope for my children for their school experiences, it's that they have good ones. That their friends are loyal and plentiful, and that the other kids are a lot nicer. But based on how society seems to be going into a shit spiral, I'm doubtful and I'm scared.
Here's hoping I can keep that to myself so my kids aren't as damaged as I was/am.
