I was out for coffee with a friend of mine yesterday, one who I haven't seen in "like, forever" and who is a strong voice and presence for the mental health community. She lives out in BC now and is working towards being a mental healthcare helper (that's what I'm calling it anyway).
The topic of depression did not come up organically in our conversation. But I knew that of all the people I have in my life, she would know the most about what I was going through with the PPD. The worst part about having post-partum depression instead of your "run of the mill" depression or anxiety is that you just don't know what is normal. When I'm feeling at my wits end with both kids crying at the same time, I don't know if that's the PPD kicking in and feeling overwhelmed, or if it's just a normal feeling because honestly two kids crying at the same time for completely different reasons is just a sucky situation to be in.
One of the things that came up is how post-partum depression is still kind of swept under the rug. It's ridiculous, but true. It is increasingly common to be diagnosed with it - that is, if the mother (or father, let's not throw that out either) actually goes to get diagnosed. I feel like a lot of women hide behind their old beliefs of "I'm fine" and "It's just baby blues" and "It's okay to be overwhelmed, parenting is hard". But it has taken celebrities like Hayden Panettiere being public about their struggles with it for it to be acknowledged.
Every doctor I dealt with during my pregnancy - my general practitioner and my obstetrician - made sure that I knew that there were resources available should I find myself suffering from PPD or PPA. So when I was going slightly out of my mind, and did the questionairre that they use to get an idea what they're dealing with, I made sure to tell both the GP and OB what was going on.
But why couldn't I talk with my friends about it? Why can't I still? There are a few friends that I feel comfortable telling them I'm having a rough day... but in general, I myself try to keep it under the rug. Am I embarrassed by the fact that I am on medication? Yes. Truthfully, I am. I don't like that I can't keep shit together by myself. It bothers me SO MUCH that I don't know if the meds are working or not some days. And that my attention span is gone, that I have no motivation to get myself in shape, and that I am this lazy fat blob that does nothing.
So treating the post-partum depression/anxiety is working, but it's making me depressed with my daily life instead. And I honestly don't know which one is worse.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Where Do We Go From Here
I've been struggling a lot lately. Trying to think of what to write, and then censoring myself to the point of deleting an entire post and walking away for the rest of the day. There's always a moment of wondering if you're sharing too much about your life, or not enough, or if you're even reaching anyone out there.
So sometimes, this blog might just seem like the diary that I need.
The struggle for me lately has been with my sense of self and, in all actuality, my sense of self-worth. We made the decision that I would stay home for the next couple years at least, and where that's actually a huge relief when it comes to outbound expenses (such as daycare, additional fuel, additional food, parking, etc) it's also left me a little bereft. If I'm not working to help support the family - and, subsequently, helping us get towards the next step of our "forever home" - then what can I do to pass the time? Yes, there's a house that needs keeping. But I can only do so many loads of laundry and scrub so many toilets before that becomes daunting in the tedium.
I mentioned wanting to go back to school, or take some online courses, but even that is futile. The classes that I would enjoy - and excel at - are pointless to gain any sort of applicable and quantifiable skills. I like working in an office environment, but there's no way getting an arts degree or the like would make finding employment after a 3 - 4 year hiatus easy. Yes, I have a diploma in Accounting from a local business college - but even that will be outdated soon just based on the programs that we learned.
With two kids, I don't have any time to myself. That's not true, actually, because I get time alone at night to do whatever I want to. But half of that time is spent with me thinking about what I should be doing and the other half is spent wondering what I could be doing instead. T and I spend hardly any time together, and that's because I just need time away to decompress. I don't think he quite understands just how much of myself I'm giving every day with the two kids, but there's no way that I can explain it without him thinking it's ridiculous.
I also just don't like him very much right now.
It's daunting to be married with children. Young children. It's exhausting because it's no longer just the one relationship that needs work. It's the spousal relationship, plus the relationship between the child/ren. I definitely know that my relationship with T is not in the greatest shape right now. But we don't have any time that we spend together away from the kids. We went out for our anniversary two weeks ago, and it was great. And it made me yearn for the easier times of just the two of us, where we could go see a movie when we wanted to or I could go to the gym without having to worry about setting up childcare. And then I felt bad for yearning for that. I love my children, I truly do, but sometimes I just don't want to be a mother. Sometimes, I just want to be one of those childless couples that has so much fucking money and all the time in the world to do whatever they want to.
Selfish, hey.
So sometimes, this blog might just seem like the diary that I need.
The struggle for me lately has been with my sense of self and, in all actuality, my sense of self-worth. We made the decision that I would stay home for the next couple years at least, and where that's actually a huge relief when it comes to outbound expenses (such as daycare, additional fuel, additional food, parking, etc) it's also left me a little bereft. If I'm not working to help support the family - and, subsequently, helping us get towards the next step of our "forever home" - then what can I do to pass the time? Yes, there's a house that needs keeping. But I can only do so many loads of laundry and scrub so many toilets before that becomes daunting in the tedium.
I mentioned wanting to go back to school, or take some online courses, but even that is futile. The classes that I would enjoy - and excel at - are pointless to gain any sort of applicable and quantifiable skills. I like working in an office environment, but there's no way getting an arts degree or the like would make finding employment after a 3 - 4 year hiatus easy. Yes, I have a diploma in Accounting from a local business college - but even that will be outdated soon just based on the programs that we learned.
With two kids, I don't have any time to myself. That's not true, actually, because I get time alone at night to do whatever I want to. But half of that time is spent with me thinking about what I should be doing and the other half is spent wondering what I could be doing instead. T and I spend hardly any time together, and that's because I just need time away to decompress. I don't think he quite understands just how much of myself I'm giving every day with the two kids, but there's no way that I can explain it without him thinking it's ridiculous.
I also just don't like him very much right now.
It's daunting to be married with children. Young children. It's exhausting because it's no longer just the one relationship that needs work. It's the spousal relationship, plus the relationship between the child/ren. I definitely know that my relationship with T is not in the greatest shape right now. But we don't have any time that we spend together away from the kids. We went out for our anniversary two weeks ago, and it was great. And it made me yearn for the easier times of just the two of us, where we could go see a movie when we wanted to or I could go to the gym without having to worry about setting up childcare. And then I felt bad for yearning for that. I love my children, I truly do, but sometimes I just don't want to be a mother. Sometimes, I just want to be one of those childless couples that has so much fucking money and all the time in the world to do whatever they want to.
Selfish, hey.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Struggles
Today is just one of those days. Mr. M woke up at 4am and where I was getting ready to roll out of bed to get up with him, T did so of his own accord which meant that I got to sleep in for a while longer. But that's where the good news ended.
Mr. M has been a fussy butt today, not finishing his bottles, whining about everything, typical baby stuff. Miss O decided to jump in on that fussy butt action, as she's currently coming down with a cold and could really use a nap but refuses to take one. Instead she's crying over everything and whining.
It has taken all of my power not to snap at the two of them because honestly, it was stacking up. I haven't had a chance to take a shower today, I had big plans of going for a walk or SOMETHING active... and here I am, watching Netflix in bed.
I'm thinking that I might start taking my meds in the morning instead of at night. I've been having issues falling asleep lately, and I'm wondering if the Zoloft has anything to do with it. So I figure I'll start taking it when I wake up and see how the days go then.
Side note - I'm going to fucking nut punch the monitor we have in Mr. M's room. Apparently our WiFi signal interferes with it so it blips and says "out of range" constantly if we're using the WiFi. It's incredibly annoying and pretty much defeats the entire purpose of us having a video monitor if it doesn't work.
Mr. M has been a fussy butt today, not finishing his bottles, whining about everything, typical baby stuff. Miss O decided to jump in on that fussy butt action, as she's currently coming down with a cold and could really use a nap but refuses to take one. Instead she's crying over everything and whining.
It has taken all of my power not to snap at the two of them because honestly, it was stacking up. I haven't had a chance to take a shower today, I had big plans of going for a walk or SOMETHING active... and here I am, watching Netflix in bed.
I'm thinking that I might start taking my meds in the morning instead of at night. I've been having issues falling asleep lately, and I'm wondering if the Zoloft has anything to do with it. So I figure I'll start taking it when I wake up and see how the days go then.
Side note - I'm going to fucking nut punch the monitor we have in Mr. M's room. Apparently our WiFi signal interferes with it so it blips and says "out of range" constantly if we're using the WiFi. It's incredibly annoying and pretty much defeats the entire purpose of us having a video monitor if it doesn't work.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Respect & Raising Your Kids Right
There's been a lot on my mind the last little while. Everything from worrying about everything and anything (thanks a lot, anxiety) to getting my dander up about things that have been irking me for awhile. It took all of my power not to write a couple scathing emails today. I'm not usually scathing, but I've just been letting things fester.
Today, I'm upset about respect.
It's not that I've been disrespected per se, but rather an inadvertent disrespect. Everyone has that one (or at least one) relative who makes everything about them, and every little thing that doesn't go their way is seen as a personal affront on their person. They also can't lift a damn finger to fix things themselves, or the fixing has come too late. What happens is they usually choose one person to latch on to, to convey their messages of "hurt" to those who have wronged them and make that person's life a living hell.
The person of the hour is my paternal grandmother, and she's making my dad absolutely miserable.
My aunt had already distanced herself from her mother years ago, simply because they butted heads about everything and she didn't want to put up with that bullshit anymore. More power to her, but that meant that my dad had to deal with all of the additional drama.
Grandpa is in hospice, essentially, as he's kind of falling apart physically. He's bored, and his brain isn't being challenged like it needs to be, but because he needs the help physically he really needs to stay in the care home. Grandmother lives in the same town as him, easily a 10 minute drive from this home, and she never goes to see him. They fricking Skype. She also peaces out for 6 months of the year to go down to Arizona for the winter - something they were doing together until Grandpa got too sick to join her.
The audacity and selfishness just makes me so mad. It makes me mad that she's abandoning her sick husband so that she can go and have fun; it makes me mad that she refuses to sell their trailer down there; it makes me mad that she just spends all of their money so they can't even afford to buy a house - they're renting some house that is not conducive to Grandpa ever getting to come home because their bedroom is up a flight of stairs or something; it makes me mad that she's trying to buy our (being her grandkids & great-grandkids) love with items and money rather than spending time with us or caring about our lives.
Even as a child, she was rarely around. I saw my maternal grandmother consistently, albeit a little less when she moved out of town. I still saw her more often than the paternal grandparents though. As I got older, I didn't want to go see them - yes, that makes me selfish too - because everything was always about them and their bickering and drama. I bowed out of family gatherings at their place, or tried to at least. My parents took me out for supper for my 18th birthday and invited them along, and the entire night was ruined because they were arguing about something completely mundane like the brand of binoculars that they owned. Like catty fighting about that bullshit. Regardless, they chose to stay "up north" rather than come in and see their family. As such, the relationship between them and us was always a little weak. Not to mention grandmother liked to comment on my physique and make me feel like shit, so that's always something great. My Gramma was more upset about that than I was, I think.
Lately, my mom has been letting me in on the little things that Grandmother has been saying to my dad. How she complains that we never see her, or message her, or call her, or or or. The list goes on. But relationships go two ways, and it takes nothing for her to email or call or set up a visit. Apparently I'm the worse offender over my brother and sister because I have kids and she wants to see them. I'm busy, and the last thing on my mind is contacting some lady who is rude and judgemental about seeing my kids. I honestly don't want to set my little lovelies up to get their feelings crushed later. My dad and I had a really tumultuous relationship growing up, but we've gotten much better as I've gotten older. And seeing the effect of this on him is just killing me. I feel bad talking about his mom because it's his mom, for Christ's sake, but she's treating him like a piece of garbage.
And this is where the respect comes in.
How can we teach our children to respect other people, when we don't respect them as people? How can they learn to cope with society if we're shoving them down? The relationship I have with my parents, now, is very respectful. Yes, okay, we can now joke around and swear with one another - which still feels weird, by the way - but I respect them as my parents. I love them as my parents. Some parents try to act as a friend first, parent second, and I'm glad that I don't have that. I'm hoping that that's the kind of relationship that I'm building with my children: one where I respect them as children, not peers, and they respect me as their parent. I never want to tell Miss O to lay off the treats because she is getting fat, or that Mr. M needs to get out and play more because he's getting weird. Yes, these are things that Grandmother said to me and my brother. Sure, I'll encourage them to do other things... but I want my kids to be happy when they grow up, not miserable.
It's times like these that I miss my Gramma SO FUCKING MUCH. She was so caring and nurturing, and she loved with her whole goddamn heart. She would spend her last dime on her grandkids because she wanted to. And even if she thought that we might need to do something differently or eat better, she'd never say it in a way that would make us feel criticized.
Today, I'm upset about respect.
It's not that I've been disrespected per se, but rather an inadvertent disrespect. Everyone has that one (or at least one) relative who makes everything about them, and every little thing that doesn't go their way is seen as a personal affront on their person. They also can't lift a damn finger to fix things themselves, or the fixing has come too late. What happens is they usually choose one person to latch on to, to convey their messages of "hurt" to those who have wronged them and make that person's life a living hell.
The person of the hour is my paternal grandmother, and she's making my dad absolutely miserable.
My aunt had already distanced herself from her mother years ago, simply because they butted heads about everything and she didn't want to put up with that bullshit anymore. More power to her, but that meant that my dad had to deal with all of the additional drama.
Grandpa is in hospice, essentially, as he's kind of falling apart physically. He's bored, and his brain isn't being challenged like it needs to be, but because he needs the help physically he really needs to stay in the care home. Grandmother lives in the same town as him, easily a 10 minute drive from this home, and she never goes to see him. They fricking Skype. She also peaces out for 6 months of the year to go down to Arizona for the winter - something they were doing together until Grandpa got too sick to join her.
The audacity and selfishness just makes me so mad. It makes me mad that she's abandoning her sick husband so that she can go and have fun; it makes me mad that she refuses to sell their trailer down there; it makes me mad that she just spends all of their money so they can't even afford to buy a house - they're renting some house that is not conducive to Grandpa ever getting to come home because their bedroom is up a flight of stairs or something; it makes me mad that she's trying to buy our (being her grandkids & great-grandkids) love with items and money rather than spending time with us or caring about our lives.
Even as a child, she was rarely around. I saw my maternal grandmother consistently, albeit a little less when she moved out of town. I still saw her more often than the paternal grandparents though. As I got older, I didn't want to go see them - yes, that makes me selfish too - because everything was always about them and their bickering and drama. I bowed out of family gatherings at their place, or tried to at least. My parents took me out for supper for my 18th birthday and invited them along, and the entire night was ruined because they were arguing about something completely mundane like the brand of binoculars that they owned. Like catty fighting about that bullshit. Regardless, they chose to stay "up north" rather than come in and see their family. As such, the relationship between them and us was always a little weak. Not to mention grandmother liked to comment on my physique and make me feel like shit, so that's always something great. My Gramma was more upset about that than I was, I think.
Lately, my mom has been letting me in on the little things that Grandmother has been saying to my dad. How she complains that we never see her, or message her, or call her, or or or. The list goes on. But relationships go two ways, and it takes nothing for her to email or call or set up a visit. Apparently I'm the worse offender over my brother and sister because I have kids and she wants to see them. I'm busy, and the last thing on my mind is contacting some lady who is rude and judgemental about seeing my kids. I honestly don't want to set my little lovelies up to get their feelings crushed later. My dad and I had a really tumultuous relationship growing up, but we've gotten much better as I've gotten older. And seeing the effect of this on him is just killing me. I feel bad talking about his mom because it's his mom, for Christ's sake, but she's treating him like a piece of garbage.
And this is where the respect comes in.
How can we teach our children to respect other people, when we don't respect them as people? How can they learn to cope with society if we're shoving them down? The relationship I have with my parents, now, is very respectful. Yes, okay, we can now joke around and swear with one another - which still feels weird, by the way - but I respect them as my parents. I love them as my parents. Some parents try to act as a friend first, parent second, and I'm glad that I don't have that. I'm hoping that that's the kind of relationship that I'm building with my children: one where I respect them as children, not peers, and they respect me as their parent. I never want to tell Miss O to lay off the treats because she is getting fat, or that Mr. M needs to get out and play more because he's getting weird. Yes, these are things that Grandmother said to me and my brother. Sure, I'll encourage them to do other things... but I want my kids to be happy when they grow up, not miserable.
It's times like these that I miss my Gramma SO FUCKING MUCH. She was so caring and nurturing, and she loved with her whole goddamn heart. She would spend her last dime on her grandkids because she wanted to. And even if she thought that we might need to do something differently or eat better, she'd never say it in a way that would make us feel criticized.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Upcoming Events
My wedding anniversary is coming up this weekend, and I find myself kind of bummed about it. It's not that being married is a bummer, or that we've been together for 6 years as man & wife (and 9 years since we first started dating), but the fact that we can't really do anything for it. The same thing happened when we had our anniversary after Miss O was born - babies kind of put a damper on any romantic plans. My parents have said that they'll watch the kids so we can go for supper, and then Miss O can spend the night... which is great, don't get me wrong. But there's no spur of the moment trips or overnights at a hotel.
I can't explain why this bums me out. Part of me feels selfish for wanting to completely leave both children with my parents for the night, whereas the other part is thinking "Why can't we just be alone for once".
No real point to this post today. Just that I'm feeling a little pre-emptively let down about all of this. Here's hoping that T actually plans something (it's his turn, after all) and doesn't just leave it until the last minute or wants me to plan it the day of.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Being Me, Right Now
On the mom group I joined when pregnant with Mr. M, one of the mom's shared an article (here) where someone had written about how she was taking the time to be herself now when the kids were young so that she could be 100% present and there for her children when they were teenagers and it really has me thinking.
This entire time of being on maternity leave, I've been under the assumption that I'll try to find work again once my one year is up. T and I have talked a bit about the financials behind that, and as I've mentioned before I would need a really lucrative job opportunity for it to be worth it. But why am I only looking at the financial aspect? Why can't I look at the well-being of my family FIRST and then look at the money?
Having two kids is exponentially different than having only one. I know that everyone had told me this before and I sort of brushed it off - why did I do that?! We're starting to get Miss O into different activities, and with that comes needing to get her to said activities. Once Mr. M gets bigger, he'll be going into other activities as well which means more and more running around. So, let's hypothesize that the kid/s will have activities five nights a week (dear God I hope not). Most of those will occur after school/around supper time. With T working until 7pm most of the time, that means that I'm running around with them. If I'm working until 4 or 5, that leaves zero time to get food into them (or myself). That also means that I'm potentially shipping the kids off to daycare at 7am only to get to work for 8am... and I'm looking at waking up at 5am. If kids are done their shit by 7pm, we go home and eat which takes us to 8pm and then it's bed time. By then, I'd imagine, I would be exhausted and probably go to bed at 9pm.
Where the hell is the me time? Where am I able to exercise or crochet or even go grocery shopping? Where can I take a moment to read a book, watch a TV show, do SOMETHING that doesn't revolve around my children? The idea of losing my identity and "just" being mom is kind of a daunting idea. But it HAS made me dig into myself and try to figure out who I am right now, and the answer is "Mom". I have no hobbies or interests, I don't do anything exceptionally well. When people ask me what I've been up to, my lack of an answer is embarrassing to me. I'd love to have more going on, but I'm just fucking exhausted by the idea. Yes, Mr. M is only 6 months old and we've had one hell of a rough go at it thus far. But why haven't I found my niche yet? Unless said niche is spending money, in which case I have really found that.
I feel like going back to work after my maternity leave is done would create more hostility in my brain. Rather than getting over the post-partum depression and anxiety, it could potentially morph into actual depression and actual anxiety. I want to be able to function without the anti-depressants, and I feel, deep down, that if I'm working full time I won't be able to control it.
I want to be able to be the best parent I can be. And I am hoping that I'm taking steps in the right direction to do so.
This entire time of being on maternity leave, I've been under the assumption that I'll try to find work again once my one year is up. T and I have talked a bit about the financials behind that, and as I've mentioned before I would need a really lucrative job opportunity for it to be worth it. But why am I only looking at the financial aspect? Why can't I look at the well-being of my family FIRST and then look at the money?
Having two kids is exponentially different than having only one. I know that everyone had told me this before and I sort of brushed it off - why did I do that?! We're starting to get Miss O into different activities, and with that comes needing to get her to said activities. Once Mr. M gets bigger, he'll be going into other activities as well which means more and more running around. So, let's hypothesize that the kid/s will have activities five nights a week (dear God I hope not). Most of those will occur after school/around supper time. With T working until 7pm most of the time, that means that I'm running around with them. If I'm working until 4 or 5, that leaves zero time to get food into them (or myself). That also means that I'm potentially shipping the kids off to daycare at 7am only to get to work for 8am... and I'm looking at waking up at 5am. If kids are done their shit by 7pm, we go home and eat which takes us to 8pm and then it's bed time. By then, I'd imagine, I would be exhausted and probably go to bed at 9pm.
Where the hell is the me time? Where am I able to exercise or crochet or even go grocery shopping? Where can I take a moment to read a book, watch a TV show, do SOMETHING that doesn't revolve around my children? The idea of losing my identity and "just" being mom is kind of a daunting idea. But it HAS made me dig into myself and try to figure out who I am right now, and the answer is "Mom". I have no hobbies or interests, I don't do anything exceptionally well. When people ask me what I've been up to, my lack of an answer is embarrassing to me. I'd love to have more going on, but I'm just fucking exhausted by the idea. Yes, Mr. M is only 6 months old and we've had one hell of a rough go at it thus far. But why haven't I found my niche yet? Unless said niche is spending money, in which case I have really found that.
I feel like going back to work after my maternity leave is done would create more hostility in my brain. Rather than getting over the post-partum depression and anxiety, it could potentially morph into actual depression and actual anxiety. I want to be able to function without the anti-depressants, and I feel, deep down, that if I'm working full time I won't be able to control it.
I want to be able to be the best parent I can be. And I am hoping that I'm taking steps in the right direction to do so.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Bump in the Road
Sometimes it takes me a couple days to figure out what I want to say, and how I want to say it. Especially when things are tough and I don't know just how I can put into words how hard it is.
Last Thursday, Mr. M got his 4-month immunizations. Yes, he's almost 6 months but because he was still in the hospital plus still on IV antibiotics and blood thinners and yadda yadda yadda, we decided to delay his immunizations to give his body a wee bit of a break.
I digress.
He got his shots, and was totally fine with them that day. We went to my parents afterwards because Miss O has dancing on Thursdays, and my parents look after Mr. M so that I can be at the studio should she need me. He was normal and in a good mood.
Friday morning, I took the kids grocery shopping. Had Mr. M in the carrier, Miss O in the cart, and all was fine and dandy until we got home. Then he started screaming and crying and not eating and just being a fuss pot. He did fall asleep around his normal time, but it was a fitful sleep. And I knew he was hungry, but he just wouldn't eat. I was getting extremely overwhelmed just dealing with him, and then Miss O decided she was going to pipe in every 5 minutes that she was hungry. At some point Mr. M was screaming and Miss O was crying and I just couldn't take it. I screamed myself. Which really wasn't a good idea because that scared Mr. O and made his crying worse, plus Miss O thought it was all her fault.... yeah. So the entire day, and night, Mr. M was miserable. I told T that he was on night duty, and that Miss O and I were going to be gone the next day (Saturday) so he and Mr. M could have a day to themselves.
All was fine and dandy, until about 3:30pm when T messages me saying that Mr. M won't stop crying and that he won't even finish a bottle. He was worried that Mr. M was getting dehydrated and thought he might have to take the little dude to the hospital. So I'm worried the entire drive home, driving as fast as I feel the law will allow. We get home, and Mr. M is sleeping. T says that he messaged me afterwards that we could have stayed at my parents for supper but as I was driving, I didn't get the message. Thankfully, that night Mr. M slept straight through the night. And Sunday was much better for eating and not being as irritable.
Selfishly, I don't want to put myself through these immunizations again because when I've got two kids being incredibly demanding of me, it's really hard to keep myself in check. But I know that we need to keep on top of this because that's just what we do. We're going to go through this all again in November when Mr. M gets his 6 month shots, plus his flu shot AND Miss O will get her flu shot. Gluttons for punishment I guess.
Other highlights of this week, though, have been few and far between now that I think about it. I really need to pick up a hobby or something! We've had some serious discussions (we being T and I) about when/if I go back to work. With my former position only being casual, not to mention within a union, even if they opened the job up again there's no guarantee that I would get it. That is, unless they kept it casual and then they could pick whoever they want. But that's neither here nor there. We don't know when a good time for me to go work would be, simply because of Mr. M and his doctors appointments and surgery and antibiotics and special care... Financially we could certainly swing living on one salary, but could I do so and keep my sanity in check? I guess we'll see once Mr. M gets a little bit bigger. Plus next year Miss O will be going to preschool... ugh. On one hand, I'm incredibly grateful that we do actually have the choice between me staying home or going back to work. There are a lot of families or instances where there's no choice. But that's what makes it all the more difficult. We would also need to crunch numbers to see if it would, financially, make sense for me to go back to work. Daycare costs for 2 kids plus extra gas, potentially parking if I'm working downtown again, purchasing work appropriate clothing... not to mention the idea of getting both kids up and ready and myself up and ready and everyone out the door by 715 so I would potentially be at work for 8 just hurts my everything.
It's too late for my brain to work like this. I'll give it some more thought in the morning.
Last Thursday, Mr. M got his 4-month immunizations. Yes, he's almost 6 months but because he was still in the hospital plus still on IV antibiotics and blood thinners and yadda yadda yadda, we decided to delay his immunizations to give his body a wee bit of a break.
I digress.
He got his shots, and was totally fine with them that day. We went to my parents afterwards because Miss O has dancing on Thursdays, and my parents look after Mr. M so that I can be at the studio should she need me. He was normal and in a good mood.
Friday morning, I took the kids grocery shopping. Had Mr. M in the carrier, Miss O in the cart, and all was fine and dandy until we got home. Then he started screaming and crying and not eating and just being a fuss pot. He did fall asleep around his normal time, but it was a fitful sleep. And I knew he was hungry, but he just wouldn't eat. I was getting extremely overwhelmed just dealing with him, and then Miss O decided she was going to pipe in every 5 minutes that she was hungry. At some point Mr. M was screaming and Miss O was crying and I just couldn't take it. I screamed myself. Which really wasn't a good idea because that scared Mr. O and made his crying worse, plus Miss O thought it was all her fault.... yeah. So the entire day, and night, Mr. M was miserable. I told T that he was on night duty, and that Miss O and I were going to be gone the next day (Saturday) so he and Mr. M could have a day to themselves.
All was fine and dandy, until about 3:30pm when T messages me saying that Mr. M won't stop crying and that he won't even finish a bottle. He was worried that Mr. M was getting dehydrated and thought he might have to take the little dude to the hospital. So I'm worried the entire drive home, driving as fast as I feel the law will allow. We get home, and Mr. M is sleeping. T says that he messaged me afterwards that we could have stayed at my parents for supper but as I was driving, I didn't get the message. Thankfully, that night Mr. M slept straight through the night. And Sunday was much better for eating and not being as irritable.
Selfishly, I don't want to put myself through these immunizations again because when I've got two kids being incredibly demanding of me, it's really hard to keep myself in check. But I know that we need to keep on top of this because that's just what we do. We're going to go through this all again in November when Mr. M gets his 6 month shots, plus his flu shot AND Miss O will get her flu shot. Gluttons for punishment I guess.
Other highlights of this week, though, have been few and far between now that I think about it. I really need to pick up a hobby or something! We've had some serious discussions (we being T and I) about when/if I go back to work. With my former position only being casual, not to mention within a union, even if they opened the job up again there's no guarantee that I would get it. That is, unless they kept it casual and then they could pick whoever they want. But that's neither here nor there. We don't know when a good time for me to go work would be, simply because of Mr. M and his doctors appointments and surgery and antibiotics and special care... Financially we could certainly swing living on one salary, but could I do so and keep my sanity in check? I guess we'll see once Mr. M gets a little bit bigger. Plus next year Miss O will be going to preschool... ugh. On one hand, I'm incredibly grateful that we do actually have the choice between me staying home or going back to work. There are a lot of families or instances where there's no choice. But that's what makes it all the more difficult. We would also need to crunch numbers to see if it would, financially, make sense for me to go back to work. Daycare costs for 2 kids plus extra gas, potentially parking if I'm working downtown again, purchasing work appropriate clothing... not to mention the idea of getting both kids up and ready and myself up and ready and everyone out the door by 715 so I would potentially be at work for 8 just hurts my everything.
It's too late for my brain to work like this. I'll give it some more thought in the morning.
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