"We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should"
-- Fatboy Slim "Praise You" released 1998, from the album "You've Come a Long Way, Baby"
I know that it's been awhile since I've posted, despite all of my promises and intentions of posting more. I've been in a rocky place mentally & emotionally, so I haven't felt like writing much. Although that in itself is a lie because I keep thinking of nothing BUT writing. I just can't seem to drive myself to do so, which in turn makes me upset that I'm not writing more... It's the most vicious cycle and I hate it.
When I sat down tonight, I had full intentions of turning on Sims 4 and making my puppets dance.
What's that? You want to eat? Maybe you should finish studying cooking first!
But then I got the above song by Fatboy Slim stuck in my head. And things just kind of starting rumbling and rattling around in my brain, and I felt the actual urge to write a blog post.
A few days ago, at a very low point in the week, I posted on Facebook that I was having a rough day and that PPD was kicking my ass. Up until then, I think I've posted maybe once about my PPD issues and it was most of the same people saying how "brave" I am for talking about it and how they're always there for me to chat with/to/at. The thing about my version of PPA/PPD is that I really do not want to burden other people with my problems. I know that they're my problems, and I don't really feel like dumping them on other people.
"But we're friends!" they say "That's what we're here for!"
Sure. That's true. And when you've cultivated online friendships (a lot of them, in my case) it gets even easier to chat with them because you're hiding behind the anonymity of the Internet. But honestly, at some point, they're all going to get fed up with me complaining and/or sadding (is that even a word? Can I turn an emotion into a verb?) about the same thing all the time. And that's where my PPA/PPD kicks in. I'd love to talk out my problems before they turn into me being a lump of sadness. But the little part of me, the part that is clinging to the Zoloft, is telling me that it's not fair to expect people to listen all the time.
And I kind of believe it.
I've been a lump of sadness for too long, and where I would love to say that I'm going to do better and I'm going to change myself... I can't really guarantee that. Once I start putting definitives down, then I'm just setting myself up for disappointment and failure. That sounds harsh, I know, but honestly I think I know how my brain works. This happens every time I set out to lose weight. I'm sick of disappointing myself because I always assume that I'm disappointing others at the same time.
February 1st, I start a new session of 21 Day Fix. I'm going to adhere to the food plan this time instead of cheating pretty much daily. I'm going to push myself in the workouts. I'm going to start writing again. I'm going to start praising myself for what I have done each day - maybe that can be my February writing goal, to write a post daily (even if it's just a little short one) - and accepting that I am flawed, but that's okay.
Paige, we've come a long long way together. Through the hard times and the good. We have to celebrate us, baby. We have to praise us like we should.
