Relapse, Relapse, Relapse, Relax Relax (Ba Ba Ba Ba Da Daaaaa)

Got Panic! At the Disco in your head yet? No? Because you've never even heard of that band before?

Well, that's your problem because they're wonderful.

That's not even my point. I'm just being a smart-ass because why not?

I haven't been posting a lot lately simply because things have, at least in my mind, settled down. I've been getting used to juggling work and home life, getting a new routine into play, sorting out things with T so that we can work as a unit... I was feeling really good.

Was. See how I used a past-tense verb?

These past couple weeks, I've been feeling flustered. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Emotional. Yes, certain female issues played a part in that. But not all. I've been having trouble adapting to different situations, I've been requiring actual moments of "close your eyes and breathe" at work as well as at home, and other obsessive habits have kicked in again (rearranged my bedroom while the kids were unattended upstairs).

I've been trying to pinpoint why I've been feeling like this, and a friend of mine pointed out that maybe it's the fact that a year ago at this time, we were going through the hellish experience of Mr. M being so small and sick in the hospital. I feel like I've got some residual PTSD over this, simply because I didn't really deal with the emotional turmoil at the time of everything happening. I pushed it aside because I just didn't have time to be upset; I didn't have time to break down and curse and sob. I had to be strong and pulled together because I had people who depended on me.

Now? Those same people depend on me, but in a different way. Mr. M is growing up so much and from what we can tell, there aren't many lasting effects of his hospital stay. He will still have appointments with a pediatrician as well as his family doctor; he'll meet with the urologist until his inevitable surgery and go through different diagnostic procedures to determine how his organs are doing; at some point he will probably have to go through some developmental testing and/or hearing tests to make sure that everything is still going okay. But he's alive. He's alive and he's thriving and god-fucking-dammit it is such a relief that all of the emotions that I bottled up a year ago are coming through all at once.

We've been told by doctor-friends that the outcome that we got with Mr. M was a likely one. A ballpark 60% positive to 40% negative outcome. I can only thank the fact that we believe and trust in our healthcare system here, not to mention be thankful that we get our heathcare covered by the government. I can't imagine going through all of that ... and then being devastated by what would surely be a $1 million hospital bill.

That's beside the point. The point is, I feel out of control right now and it, itself, is getting out of control. I don't like it. I don't like that I can't tame it back and control it. I don't like that I can't just tell myself to stop and relax. I just plain don't like it. I'm not willing to take more meds because honestly, I don't want to take them for the rest of my life.

I just need to find my zen. My simple, basic, inexpensive zen.

Money

You want to know what's making me really anxious and depressed lately?

Money.

I know that as an adult, everyone is worried about money. Most people are worried about paying off their crippling student loans, or dealing with saving money to buy a house.

Me? I'm worried and anxious and depressed about surviving week to week.

Somehow, me going back to work has actually made our money problems more pronounced. I don't know how, seeing as we now have two incomes. But shit is just bad.

I'll write a full post later. There's a lot more to it.