I Worry

One of the (many) downsides to being an extroverted introvert is introspection. I spend a lot of my time thinking, and a lot of my time thinking about what others think of me. I alternate between getting down on myself for being a hot mess - honestly, you should have seen the disaster I was at the grocery store today - and trying to say that I give no f's what other people think of me. It's kind of exhausting, now that I have it out in the open.

But why do I worry about what others think of me? Why am I constantly comparing myself to others? Why can't I just go about my business and move on?

Honestly, I have no clue. I'm so concerned about outside opinions that I can't even begin to find an opinion of myself that I like and can build on.

The struggle is real, folks. And golly, am I struggling.

Is it me? Am I aiming too high?

Every time I start blogging, or have some magical push of creativity, I always say that I'm going to blog more. That I'm going to do it with relative consistency.

That has happened zero times.

I don't know what it is. I mean, I like to write, I like to talk... I like to talk on the internet (aka writing) a lot more than I like talking in person, so one would assume that a blog would be the perfect medium for me.

It's not like I don't have time to do it - I have a relatively fast typing speed (although it could be improved seeing as I haven't really used it as much as I used to), so churning out a blog post once a day or once every couple days should be easy.

Maybe I'm just lacking in subject material and/or I don't want to bombard the three people that read my ramblings with stories about my kids or my husband.

I actually think that the problem is that I'm just aiming a little too high. It's like every time I say I'm going to start a weight loss plan. Rather than starting small and giving myself little goals, I'm like "OKAY ALL THE EVERYTHING STARTS NOW" and then two days later I'm crushing a pack of timbits in my car en route home so that it "doesn't really count"

Shut up, you know you've been there.

So my short term little goal is to write another post this week. Here's hoping I can finally follow through!

For the Love of God

For once, I'm not using that phrase blasphemously.

I'm honestly confused and confounded by those who have a relationship with God. It's not that I don't believe in Him, I just don't understand the innate love that some people have for Him.

I was brought up a Roman Catholic. A "only practicing when we have to" Roman Catholic, but RC nonetheless. I attended Catholic schools, went through all the sacraments, even got married in a Catholic church. But that was more about just following the path, less about choosing it myself.

I have friends - good friends - who are Christian and proud. They shout it to the world - both literally and figuratively - about their love for God and how he has set out this plan for them. How can they know? How can they just blindly believe that "everything happens for a reason" or that their faith is being tested or, or, or.

It's not that I'm trying to argue with their faith. If anything, I'm proud that they believe in something/someone so fully that they will tell everyone and anyone about it. Maybe I'm mildly envious that I don't have that same sort of belief system in place.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is my call for help in understanding.