Who'd Have Thunk?

Today is my best friend from high school's 30th birthday. We've known each other for 16 years at this point (or thereabouts - I can't remember when we actually met!), and it's kind of thrown things into perspective about how far we have come.

16 years ago, I could never have foreseen the life that I'm living now. Being 14, I imagined all sorts of difference scenarios and pipe dreams. I had an inkling that I'd be married with kids, but I also had the naive mindset that I'd have all my baby making done by the time I was 25 so I could be 30 and involved in a career. What career, I honestly can't remember. Pretty sure when I was in grade 9 I had no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up, as opposed to above-mentioned best friend who has known she wanted to be a doctor since she was a tiny human.

I digress.

Once we graduated high school, we both went off to Ottawa for university. She was going towards her B.Sc. in order to get into med school at University of Ottawa, whereas I was at Carleton University pursuing a degree in Film Studies of all things. For some reason, that just sounded a lot better than a general Arts degree, but in Canada they're equally as useless. Or rather, mine would have been useless. I got the big idea in my head that I would be a film producer - yes, in Canada - and then didn't really put 2 + 2 together when I was failing Economics that perhaps both of those would be needed to be a producer.

Best Friend completed her first year of university in Ottawa, only to find out that they only let like 6 out-of-province students into the medical program each year. Even if her grades were amazing, the chances of her getting in were very slim because of this. So she decided to move back to Saskatoon (where we had met) and go to the University of Saskatchewan instead, even though it set her back a year because her credits didn't transfer over right.

Anyway, in 2015 she's now a second year resident. And where am I? I never went back to university because it was too expensive and I didn't know what I wanted to take. Now that I'm 30, I STILL don't know what I would take because want and need are two different things. Not to mention there's no way that we could afford for me to go to school plus not be working plus put two kids in daycare. Yes, there are night classes, but it's 8pm and I'm ready to go to sleep. There's no way I'd make it through night classes.

I guess the point of this whole post was that who would have imagined that 16 years after meeting, not only would we still be good friends but she's a doctor and I'm a stay at home mom. When I put it that way, it makes me feel inadequate. Yes, I went to a business college and got a diploma in Accounting, but I did diddly squat with that. And the only reason I took accounting was because I thought it would be the most practical diploma to have - make me more diverse in office knowledge. But the shitty part is that no company will hire someone to do their accounts or accounting (the parts not requiring a CGA) if they have no experience. I can talk about how quickly I pick up on things or how competant I am with computers until I'm blue in the face - if my resume doesn't say "5 years experience", they just don't care.

Further to this, though, is that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Ideally, it'd be payroll or human resources... but both of those fields require more education AND experience to get the job. So... it's a fucking catch-22.

I think I'm going to call it a day on this post. I'm getting bummed out at the fact that I'm 30 with no forward motion career-wise.

Envy and Other Emotions

Lately, I've been finding myself envious of single people. It kind of hit me at the weirdest time - I was sitting at a traffic light, both kids in the car with me, and the driver in front of me was a solo woman, putting her hair up as we waited for the light to change. All of a sudden I was like "I wish that I could have my own vehicle by myself. And that I could be free to leave the house and drive whenever I wanted to". And I've had these feelings a lot more, too. Maybe it's because the group of friends that I have been hanging out with lately are ones with minimal commitments - as in they're dating, only a couple own houses, etc - and they're free to hang out whenever they want. Weeknights and all.

It's not that I don't love my husband or my kids... it's more that I wish I had more independence and the opportunity to be independent. I wish I could just go on a shopping trip by myself or even run to the post office... but nope. I've got the two life-suckers that I have to bring with me.

I've been wondering, too, if I'm dealing with normal emotional ups and downs or if my medication needs to be increased. I'm at 50mg once daily right now (started at 25mg once daily) and I'm feeling a lot more frustrated with my kids and life now than I was before. It's the kids that are getting me down, as they are usually demanding things of me at the same time although I'm 90% sure that Miss O is doing it on purpose and waiting until Mr. M is settling/fussing before she starts asking for snacks or drinks or attention in general. I've also had times of sadness for no explicable reason, but I make sure that I mention it to T so that he knows that I'm feeling off. His first response has been "Have you been taking your meds?". I also find that I've got a mild case of apathy towards my fitness and weight loss, although my muscles and joints are really wishing I would exercise at least a little bit. But I just don't care. I mean, one part of my brain cares that I don't have any clothes that fit and that I mildly resemble a potato crossed with a hippo, but the other part just tells me to go to bed and read myself to sleep. I might try to do some of those Bikini Body Mommy workouts, as they're short and sweet, and I've gotten the go-ahead from a physical therapist friend to do abdomen workouts (I was avoiding because of the c-section).

I'm tired of my own whining so I'm going to stop blabbing now.

Fashion Funks

I will freely admit that I have no idea what is going on when it comes to fashion. Sometimes I feel like I'm riding the wave along with everyone else, and then I see someone in high-waisted denim cutoffs with a plaid shirt tied about their waist and I find myself exclaiming "What the hell year is this?!"

I can't, for the life of me, figure out why the 90's fashion came back. From the sloppy flannel shirts to the combat boots, the circle sunglasses to the dark purple lips. Why the fuck did that come back to haunt us? I thought the unshowered grunge days were over, but apparently I'm wrong.

I have found that lately, with my (sadly)increased size - shut up, I'll work on losing this baby weight next month! - I have no direction when it comes to fashion. I've recently taken up decluttering my wardrobe because I have a closet and dresser and a huge plastic bin FULL of clothes, yet I find I am saying "I have nothing to wear". It doesn't help that I just plain don't want to put on some of my clothes for fear that I'll look like a potato in it. I've fallen into the mom habit of leggings and a t-shirt, with skechers slip ons for shoes. Or runners because my arches don't much care for the Skechers.

So I'm looking at the very few sites I can shop from, and I'm completely spacing out on what clothes I could actually wear. I know for a fact that I don't need dress pants until I'm looking at jobs again, but on the other hand should I not have some in my closet for when I need to "dress up"? And what about casual pants? I've got leggings and one pair of yoga pants, and then pajama pants. I recently sold all of my jeans because I know that I feel like a frump when I wear them... but what am I going to wear outside now that it's colder? Why can there not be casual pants that aren't jeans and aren't leggings but are as comfortable as leggings but have the leg shape - read: bootcut or straight fit - of jeans? And if any of you chime in and say jeggings, I will be forced to come through the internet and punch you in the throat. I know that Old Navy sells plus-sized khakis... but would I look like an absolute idiot showing up to a casual friend gathering in khakis and a sweater? I can hear the comments now... "Oh, look who dressed up to come out" and "What, you off to church?"

Ugh.

I promised my best friend that when I was on mat leave, I wouldn't fall into the mom-clothes trap. That I'd put in some effort and wear more than just yoga pants and a food-stained t-shirt. I have failed thus far.

But I just don't know what my fashion is anymore! With nowhere to be specifically (like work), I feel like any effort is kind of wasted while I am at home with the kids. Why wear an uncomfortable bra - that's a whole other post - and jeans and a blouse when I'm just going to be chasing after kids and sitting on my ass? Why wouldn't I try to be as comfortable as possible?

And therein lies the rut, I think. Comfort. I just need to find comfortable clothes that don't look like I gave up on life. Unfortunately, that costs money. Money that we don't have. Yes, I've been clearing out my clothing left right and centre... but I'm cutting the cost on that because I want it out of my house more than anything. I'm selling shirts that I've only worn a handful of times for a fraction of what I paid, simply because I want it gone.

When it comes to doing my hair, I laugh at that concept. Spending the hour it would take to blow dry & straighten is absolutely pointless unless I'm headed out for the night. And even then, I'm more likely to just toss it into a bun and say to hell with it. I've been growing it out for nearly 2 years and it still isn't quite long enough.

Makeup, again, is another thing I laugh at. Which is fortunate because my Sephora spending was getting out of control when I was at work. Thankfully I have a fully stocked makeup drawer, I'll just need to replace a couple items within the next couple months - mascara, concealer, and powder. Everything else will be just fine, and I do use it on occasion when I have to run out for all of Mr. M's appointments.

But let's get back to clothes. Help a sister out, how can I style this frump of a dump of a body? Especially just for the time being until I lose weight again and start feeling better about myself?

Goddamn Threenagers

I think I might need to up my Zoloft dose again. I've been getting so overwhelmed with everything lately, but most especially with the way that Miss O is acting.

Easily 10 times a day, she's throwing a temper tantrum and storming off to the corner to scream/cry. 10 times. In the 12-14 hours that she's awake in a day, we have at minimum 10 tantrums. It's no wonder I'm exhausted as all hell once 7pm rolls around.

What makes it worse is just the sheer amount of housework that needs to get done. I feel like it's piling up and that I'm the only one tackling it. Which, when it boils down to it, is kind of true. Yes, T helps out with dishes and childcare on the weekends and at night... but it's still mostly up to me to take the initiative. And I would love to have just a lazy day where I don't have to do anything. No chores, no child-caring, no nothing. Ahhh to be young again.

I spent a couple days this past weekend hanging out with some friends of mine. All of which are single or in dating relationships, none have kids. And I envy them their flexibility. We have a group hangout where we can all chat and make plans and stuff, and over the summer there were multiple invites for weekday hangs... which is pretty much impossible for me. Weekends, I can usually get out at night every so often, but I kind of miss just casual patio drinks. The girls from work wanted to get together at some point during the summer but I just couldn't.

It's not that I regret having kids, or regret the path that my life has taken. It's just that I remember what it was like when things were easier and I miss it. I wouldn't change a thing about how we are right now... I just miss being able to drop everything and go.

A big part of what is going on in my head right now is that I don't feel like I'm doing anything. Which is ridiculous because I feel overwhelmed with all that I am doing, but I mean mentally. My big plan was to start writing a novel and I've just completely blanked on that. I get started and then have to close the program because I feel like everything I'm writing is just confusing garbage. It totally could be, seeing as having babies sucks out some of your brains each time. It's a scientific fact; the internet told me. I mentioned to T last night that maybe I would take some classes, like Records Analyst or something comparable, and he kind of sighed. He asked what my end game was, and I couldn't answer. I still, at 30 fucking years old, have no idea what I want to do with my life. I liked working where I did before having Mr. M. The job was good, the hours flexible, the co-workers were wonderful. But I was under-utilized. It was nice to hear, from one of my old co-workers, that management finally realized just how much I was doing in the office once I had left. I guess it's a good thing that I was kind of a behind-the-scenes person, so to speak, an invisible cog. Secretly keeping things running smoothly. It'll help me when it comes time for interviews and references.

Interviews. Ugh.

I so do not look forward to the job hunt again in 6 months. I was technically in a casual position in my last job, even though I was there Monday-Friday for the better part of two years. But that means that I don't have a job to go back to, and we're still uncertain if I will be going back to work right after my mat leave ends.  I keep going back and forth if I want to or not, and I know that it's going to come down to finances. Can I make enough for it to be worth it to have both kids in daycare? And what about Mr. M's long-term care? He'll still be on antibiotics at that point, and we'll still be on high alert for illnesses and stuff. So would I be taking a lot of time off of work to take care of him, or would I be able to find a job with enough flexibility that I can leave at the drop of a hat?

Not a lot of options with that criteria. But... can we afford for me to not work? Probably not.

Getting Out

I feel like the hardest thing to do, as a mom, is get out of the house. With or without kids, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that I'm a second-time-mom or when I was a first-time-mom. Getting out of the house is just so bloody difficult. Let me kind of break this down...

With Kids, Have an Appointment
- shower in the morning when T is still home (so yeah, that's showering at 530am)
- wake up Miss O with the shower
- deal with Miss O opening and closing the door ten thousand times all while asking what I'm doing
- depending on what time the appointment is, and what kind of appointment, I either deal with feeding Miss O before or after changing her pull-up and clothes while simultaneously trying to keep Mr. M happy (and/or asleep)
- Sometimes I've had to drop Miss O off at daycare before an appointment, in which case I have to basically throw her into the car and ignore her cries and temper tantrums
- But before daycare, it's getting Mr. M ready to go (he usually spits up on his clothes and I just don't have time to change them. Or I just don't care), and making sure that the diaper bag is packed appropriately.
- At some point I have to get myself dressed. And maybe do my hair? Or put my makeup on? I can usually scrape my hair into a ponytail and slap on some mascara in a hurry
- Finally leave the house.

In all honesty, I have to give us usually about an hour to get everything done and that's without driving to the appointment. So an 1145am appointment requires starting this whole process by 10am so we can leave the house by 11. Exhausting.

With Kids, No Appointment
Or: Why Are You Even Leaving If You Don't Have To
- Maybe shower. Maybe.
- Deal with Miss O, change diaper & clothes, attempt to feed.
- Deal with Mr. M, change diaper and feed
- Put hair in a messy bun, make sure I'm wearing a bra
- Toss kids in car and leave

This is our routine when I need a coffee from Tim's. Which is, ashamedly, more than I would like

I leave the house so infrequently without kids that I'm not even going to write it down. If nothing else, I tend to take at least one kid with me so that T can have his time with just the one. But lately, I've been able to sneak away for a couple hours and go for a drink with friends.

It's a totally different ballgame to go out with friends who don't have kids; who aren't married; who aren't really even in serious relationships OR have just gotten into them. I'm envious, in a way, of the freedom their lives allow them. However, it also makes me appreciate what I've got now. I'm way too fat and lazy to attempt to date anyone now - T can attest to the lazy, as we never go out on dates anymore. I'm glad that I own a house, and a vehicle, and I'm so glad that I have my two kids. Although I will definitely need reminding of that when they drive me absolutely nuts.