I've been struggling a lot lately. Trying to think of what to write, and then censoring myself to the point of deleting an entire post and walking away for the rest of the day. There's always a moment of wondering if you're sharing too much about your life, or not enough, or if you're even reaching anyone out there.
So sometimes, this blog might just seem like the diary that I need.
The struggle for me lately has been with my sense of self and, in all actuality, my sense of self-worth. We made the decision that I would stay home for the next couple years at least, and where that's actually a huge relief when it comes to outbound expenses (such as daycare, additional fuel, additional food, parking, etc) it's also left me a little bereft. If I'm not working to help support the family - and, subsequently, helping us get towards the next step of our "forever home" - then what can I do to pass the time? Yes, there's a house that needs keeping. But I can only do so many loads of laundry and scrub so many toilets before that becomes daunting in the tedium.
I mentioned wanting to go back to school, or take some online courses, but even that is futile. The classes that I would enjoy - and excel at - are pointless to gain any sort of applicable and quantifiable skills. I like working in an office environment, but there's no way getting an arts degree or the like would make finding employment after a 3 - 4 year hiatus easy. Yes, I have a diploma in Accounting from a local business college - but even that will be outdated soon just based on the programs that we learned.
With two kids, I don't have any time to myself. That's not true, actually, because I get time alone at night to do whatever I want to. But half of that time is spent with me thinking about what I should be doing and the other half is spent wondering what I could be doing instead. T and I spend hardly any time together, and that's because I just need time away to decompress. I don't think he quite understands just how much of myself I'm giving every day with the two kids, but there's no way that I can explain it without him thinking it's ridiculous.
I also just don't like him very much right now.
It's daunting to be married with children. Young children. It's exhausting because it's no longer just the one relationship that needs work. It's the spousal relationship, plus the relationship between the child/ren. I definitely know that my relationship with T is not in the greatest shape right now. But we don't have any time that we spend together away from the kids. We went out for our anniversary two weeks ago, and it was great. And it made me yearn for the easier times of just the two of us, where we could go see a movie when we wanted to or I could go to the gym without having to worry about setting up childcare. And then I felt bad for yearning for that. I love my children, I truly do, but sometimes I just don't want to be a mother. Sometimes, I just want to be one of those childless couples that has so much fucking money and all the time in the world to do whatever they want to.
Selfish, hey.
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