I was out for coffee with a friend of mine yesterday, one who I haven't seen in "like, forever" and who is a strong voice and presence for the mental health community. She lives out in BC now and is working towards being a mental healthcare helper (that's what I'm calling it anyway).
The topic of depression did not come up organically in our conversation. But I knew that of all the people I have in my life, she would know the most about what I was going through with the PPD. The worst part about having post-partum depression instead of your "run of the mill" depression or anxiety is that you just don't know what is normal. When I'm feeling at my wits end with both kids crying at the same time, I don't know if that's the PPD kicking in and feeling overwhelmed, or if it's just a normal feeling because honestly two kids crying at the same time for completely different reasons is just a sucky situation to be in.
One of the things that came up is how post-partum depression is still kind of swept under the rug. It's ridiculous, but true. It is increasingly common to be diagnosed with it - that is, if the mother (or father, let's not throw that out either) actually goes to get diagnosed. I feel like a lot of women hide behind their old beliefs of "I'm fine" and "It's just baby blues" and "It's okay to be overwhelmed, parenting is hard". But it has taken celebrities like Hayden Panettiere being public about their struggles with it for it to be acknowledged.
Every doctor I dealt with during my pregnancy - my general practitioner and my obstetrician - made sure that I knew that there were resources available should I find myself suffering from PPD or PPA. So when I was going slightly out of my mind, and did the questionairre that they use to get an idea what they're dealing with, I made sure to tell both the GP and OB what was going on.
But why couldn't I talk with my friends about it? Why can't I still? There are a few friends that I feel comfortable telling them I'm having a rough day... but in general, I myself try to keep it under the rug. Am I embarrassed by the fact that I am on medication? Yes. Truthfully, I am. I don't like that I can't keep shit together by myself. It bothers me SO MUCH that I don't know if the meds are working or not some days. And that my attention span is gone, that I have no motivation to get myself in shape, and that I am this lazy fat blob that does nothing.
So treating the post-partum depression/anxiety is working, but it's making me depressed with my daily life instead. And I honestly don't know which one is worse.
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