On the mom group I joined when pregnant with Mr. M, one of the mom's shared an article (here) where someone had written about how she was taking the time to be herself now when the kids were young so that she could be 100% present and there for her children when they were teenagers and it really has me thinking.
This entire time of being on maternity leave, I've been under the assumption that I'll try to find work again once my one year is up. T and I have talked a bit about the financials behind that, and as I've mentioned before I would need a really lucrative job opportunity for it to be worth it. But why am I only looking at the financial aspect? Why can't I look at the well-being of my family FIRST and then look at the money?
Having two kids is exponentially different than having only one. I know that everyone had told me this before and I sort of brushed it off - why did I do that?! We're starting to get Miss O into different activities, and with that comes needing to get her to said activities. Once Mr. M gets bigger, he'll be going into other activities as well which means more and more running around. So, let's hypothesize that the kid/s will have activities five nights a week (dear God I hope not). Most of those will occur after school/around supper time. With T working until 7pm most of the time, that means that I'm running around with them. If I'm working until 4 or 5, that leaves zero time to get food into them (or myself). That also means that I'm potentially shipping the kids off to daycare at 7am only to get to work for 8am... and I'm looking at waking up at 5am. If kids are done their shit by 7pm, we go home and eat which takes us to 8pm and then it's bed time. By then, I'd imagine, I would be exhausted and probably go to bed at 9pm.
Where the hell is the me time? Where am I able to exercise or crochet or even go grocery shopping? Where can I take a moment to read a book, watch a TV show, do SOMETHING that doesn't revolve around my children? The idea of losing my identity and "just" being mom is kind of a daunting idea. But it HAS made me dig into myself and try to figure out who I am right now, and the answer is "Mom". I have no hobbies or interests, I don't do anything exceptionally well. When people ask me what I've been up to, my lack of an answer is embarrassing to me. I'd love to have more going on, but I'm just fucking exhausted by the idea. Yes, Mr. M is only 6 months old and we've had one hell of a rough go at it thus far. But why haven't I found my niche yet? Unless said niche is spending money, in which case I have really found that.
I feel like going back to work after my maternity leave is done would create more hostility in my brain. Rather than getting over the post-partum depression and anxiety, it could potentially morph into actual depression and actual anxiety. I want to be able to function without the anti-depressants, and I feel, deep down, that if I'm working full time I won't be able to control it.
I want to be able to be the best parent I can be. And I am hoping that I'm taking steps in the right direction to do so.
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