There's been a lot on my mind the last little while. Everything from worrying about everything and anything (thanks a lot, anxiety) to getting my dander up about things that have been irking me for awhile. It took all of my power not to write a couple scathing emails today. I'm not usually scathing, but I've just been letting things fester.
Today, I'm upset about respect.
It's not that I've been disrespected per se, but rather an inadvertent disrespect. Everyone has that one (or at least one) relative who makes everything about them, and every little thing that doesn't go their way is seen as a personal affront on their person. They also can't lift a damn finger to fix things themselves, or the fixing has come too late. What happens is they usually choose one person to latch on to, to convey their messages of "hurt" to those who have wronged them and make that person's life a living hell.
The person of the hour is my paternal grandmother, and she's making my dad absolutely miserable.
My aunt had already distanced herself from her mother years ago, simply because they butted heads about everything and she didn't want to put up with that bullshit anymore. More power to her, but that meant that my dad had to deal with all of the additional drama.
Grandpa is in hospice, essentially, as he's kind of falling apart physically. He's bored, and his brain isn't being challenged like it needs to be, but because he needs the help physically he really needs to stay in the care home. Grandmother lives in the same town as him, easily a 10 minute drive from this home, and she never goes to see him. They fricking Skype. She also peaces out for 6 months of the year to go down to Arizona for the winter - something they were doing together until Grandpa got too sick to join her.
The audacity and selfishness just makes me so mad. It makes me mad that she's abandoning her sick husband so that she can go and have fun; it makes me mad that she refuses to sell their trailer down there; it makes me mad that she just spends all of their money so they can't even afford to buy a house - they're renting some house that is not conducive to Grandpa ever getting to come home because their bedroom is up a flight of stairs or something; it makes me mad that she's trying to buy our (being her grandkids & great-grandkids) love with items and money rather than spending time with us or caring about our lives.
Even as a child, she was rarely around. I saw my maternal grandmother consistently, albeit a little less when she moved out of town. I still saw her more often than the paternal grandparents though. As I got older, I didn't want to go see them - yes, that makes me selfish too - because everything was always about them and their bickering and drama. I bowed out of family gatherings at their place, or tried to at least. My parents took me out for supper for my 18th birthday and invited them along, and the entire night was ruined because they were arguing about something completely mundane like the brand of binoculars that they owned. Like catty fighting about that bullshit. Regardless, they chose to stay "up north" rather than come in and see their family. As such, the relationship between them and us was always a little weak. Not to mention grandmother liked to comment on my physique and make me feel like shit, so that's always something great. My Gramma was more upset about that than I was, I think.
Lately, my mom has been letting me in on the little things that Grandmother has been saying to my dad. How she complains that we never see her, or message her, or call her, or or or. The list goes on. But relationships go two ways, and it takes nothing for her to email or call or set up a visit. Apparently I'm the worse offender over my brother and sister because I have kids and she wants to see them. I'm busy, and the last thing on my mind is contacting some lady who is rude and judgemental about seeing my kids. I honestly don't want to set my little lovelies up to get their feelings crushed later. My dad and I had a really tumultuous relationship growing up, but we've gotten much better as I've gotten older. And seeing the effect of this on him is just killing me. I feel bad talking about his mom because it's his mom, for Christ's sake, but she's treating him like a piece of garbage.
And this is where the respect comes in.
How can we teach our children to respect other people, when we don't respect them as people? How can they learn to cope with society if we're shoving them down? The relationship I have with my parents, now, is very respectful. Yes, okay, we can now joke around and swear with one another - which still feels weird, by the way - but I respect them as my parents. I love them as my parents. Some parents try to act as a friend first, parent second, and I'm glad that I don't have that. I'm hoping that that's the kind of relationship that I'm building with my children: one where I respect them as children, not peers, and they respect me as their parent. I never want to tell Miss O to lay off the treats because she is getting fat, or that Mr. M needs to get out and play more because he's getting weird. Yes, these are things that Grandmother said to me and my brother. Sure, I'll encourage them to do other things... but I want my kids to be happy when they grow up, not miserable.
It's times like these that I miss my Gramma SO FUCKING MUCH. She was so caring and nurturing, and she loved with her whole goddamn heart. She would spend her last dime on her grandkids because she wanted to. And even if she thought that we might need to do something differently or eat better, she'd never say it in a way that would make us feel criticized.
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