Hiding

I think I'm afraid to connect with my husband.

That's kind of a weird statement, actually. But it's true. Every night, I put O to bed around 830 and then I just stay downstairs. Sometimes I will be doing laundry or something like that, but most of the time? I watch Netflix or read a book. Or now that I have the laptop, I write a blog post or spend time cruising the internet. Logically, I could be doing this same stuff upstairs close to my husband but instead I'm hiding in my bedroom.

I'd like to pretend that it's because M is asleep on the couch for the first part of the evening - as is our habit, as T is on baby duty between me coming downstairs and him coming to bed - but I don't know if that's all that it is. Maybe on some deeper level, I'm afraid that I'm not really anything anymore. I don't have a lot of interests; or rather, I have interests but they're sucky. I like shitty teenage drama TV shows and writing, I like yarn crafts but hate how long it takes me to make anything (which is why my kids don't have any blankets that I've made but my friends all have stuff). I love music and movies and whatnot... but apparently over the years me and T have kind of diversified with our tastes. He has expressed how we never watch the same TV shows anymore, but I can't help it that I'm just not interested in the same shows he is. Or that I'd rather watch a rerun of something than to start something new, simply because I don't actually have the time to watch the show when the kids are awake. Plus if I do watch anything new while the kids are awake (seriously it never happens that way), it has to be something that is appropriate should O look over or watch it. T has been rewatching House, and a lot of those episodes freak O out a lot. And why not? Tons of blood and people saying "Ow!" while they're at the doctor... No wonder she thinks that the doctor is scary.

Regardless, maybe I should make a goal for this summer where I actually spend time with my husband. Perhaps once we've moved M into his own room it'll be easier. God I hope so at least...