Today is my 30th birthday and I spent the majority of it in some sort of funk. Not the good musical kind of funk, but a funk that I felt lonely and sad for the majority of the day.
Not an ideal way to spend a birthday.
I made the mistake of weighing myself before my shower this morning. The numbers on the scale depressed me not only because I've gained weight back that I had initially lost (oh wait, I lost all that weight because I couldn't eat for 2 weeks after having M) but because I know that it was due to me being a lazy fucktard when it came to exercise or diet. I should be working out daily, but I just can't. Like it's almost like I physically can't make myself get up and exercise. I don't know if that's part of getting used to an infant again, or if it's part of the antidepressants, or if it's just part of being depressed/anxious. That little bit of the unknown is actually kind of unsettling the more I think about it. I don't like not having control over why I do or do not do things, which I guess goes hand in hand with this whole PPD/PPA thing that I'm coping with.
Everyone asked me how I was spending my birthday and I told them the truth: chiropractic appointment. Don't know about supper (we just barbecued hamburgers), don't know about cake (we had ice cream cake at my insistence). No special plans. Granted, when your birthday is on a Wednesday, it's hard to plan anything. But T has apparently set something up for me and my girlfriends for Friday so we'll see how that goes.
Which brings me to my next point. Friends. T asked me who I wanted to invite to this thing, and he listed off all of the people that he had sent the information to. And that was it. I think there were like 10 people on his list. I realized that I didn't actually have a lot of girlfriends, and/or the ones that I do have are ones that I met online and so I can't just see them on a whim. Instead, it's an expensive flight or really long drive.
I mentioned this to one of my girlfriends and she countered with "Why do you need quantity when you have a few good ones?" and I found myself pondering that in itself. Why do I feel the need to have more friends? Why should it matter? If I have close friends who would be there for me no matter what, why do I need more than that? I don't.
Final point is that I always feel like I could or should have more. I'm an online shopper and I seriously need help with that. Even though I have a closet and a dresser and like 4 Rubbermaid bins filled with clothes, I seem to always go online and find myself more. I'll reason it like "I don't have a lot of pajama tops" or "I do like the way those tanktops fit". But I mean, I don't NEED this stuff especially while I'm on maternity leave. Maybe it's my subconscious way of not falling into the stay at home mom trap where I wear frumpy pants and stained tops. If I have nice clothes, maybe I'll give off the false impression that I'm put together and not losing my marbles at my toddler running around a parking lot while the infant in the bucket seat screams because he's just not happy with the current situation.
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