I think I might need to up my Zoloft dose again. I've been getting so overwhelmed with everything lately, but most especially with the way that Miss O is acting.
Easily 10 times a day, she's throwing a temper tantrum and storming off to the corner to scream/cry. 10 times. In the 12-14 hours that she's awake in a day, we have at minimum 10 tantrums. It's no wonder I'm exhausted as all hell once 7pm rolls around.
What makes it worse is just the sheer amount of housework that needs to get done. I feel like it's piling up and that I'm the only one tackling it. Which, when it boils down to it, is kind of true. Yes, T helps out with dishes and childcare on the weekends and at night... but it's still mostly up to me to take the initiative. And I would love to have just a lazy day where I don't have to do anything. No chores, no child-caring, no nothing. Ahhh to be young again.
I spent a couple days this past weekend hanging out with some friends of mine. All of which are single or in dating relationships, none have kids. And I envy them their flexibility. We have a group hangout where we can all chat and make plans and stuff, and over the summer there were multiple invites for weekday hangs... which is pretty much impossible for me. Weekends, I can usually get out at night every so often, but I kind of miss just casual patio drinks. The girls from work wanted to get together at some point during the summer but I just couldn't.
It's not that I regret having kids, or regret the path that my life has taken. It's just that I remember what it was like when things were easier and I miss it. I wouldn't change a thing about how we are right now... I just miss being able to drop everything and go.
A big part of what is going on in my head right now is that I don't feel like I'm doing anything. Which is ridiculous because I feel overwhelmed with all that I am doing, but I mean mentally. My big plan was to start writing a novel and I've just completely blanked on that. I get started and then have to close the program because I feel like everything I'm writing is just confusing garbage. It totally could be, seeing as having babies sucks out some of your brains each time. It's a scientific fact; the internet told me. I mentioned to T last night that maybe I would take some classes, like Records Analyst or something comparable, and he kind of sighed. He asked what my end game was, and I couldn't answer. I still, at 30 fucking years old, have no idea what I want to do with my life. I liked working where I did before having Mr. M. The job was good, the hours flexible, the co-workers were wonderful. But I was under-utilized. It was nice to hear, from one of my old co-workers, that management finally realized just how much I was doing in the office once I had left. I guess it's a good thing that I was kind of a behind-the-scenes person, so to speak, an invisible cog. Secretly keeping things running smoothly. It'll help me when it comes time for interviews and references.
Interviews. Ugh.
I so do not look forward to the job hunt again in 6 months. I was technically in a casual position in my last job, even though I was there Monday-Friday for the better part of two years. But that means that I don't have a job to go back to, and we're still uncertain if I will be going back to work right after my mat leave ends. I keep going back and forth if I want to or not, and I know that it's going to come down to finances. Can I make enough for it to be worth it to have both kids in daycare? And what about Mr. M's long-term care? He'll still be on antibiotics at that point, and we'll still be on high alert for illnesses and stuff. So would I be taking a lot of time off of work to take care of him, or would I be able to find a job with enough flexibility that I can leave at the drop of a hat?
Not a lot of options with that criteria. But... can we afford for me to not work? Probably not.
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