It Gets Easier

I find that every day that goes by, gets a little easier. Or maybe that's just the meds talking. Just kidding, there's no way that they can kick in that quickly. Or can they?

One thing I wasn't prepared for postpartum (and, I guess, a tiny little red flag towards my mental health) was just how much inexplicable rage I would be feeling. There would be moments of being around my husband that I just wanted to yell and scream at him for something he did or didn't do. The littlest thing would set me off, such as not cleaning up his cup off the table or not flushing the toilet. One especially bad morning, bottles hadn't been washed or made because he fell asleep and I had the baby screaming and the toddler following me around and I just lost it and punched the couch and kicked a bunch of things out of the way. My daughter decided that punching the couch looked like fun, so she did it too, but I was just SO INCREDIBLY ANGRY. I couldn't take it. And that wasn't the only moment I felt like that. I had a LOT of moments that I felt that mad. But I didn't tell my husband because it just felt wrong. I had realized that he wasn't actually in the wrong about these things, or that he wasn't THAT wrong in doing them, but I still couldn't get past the feeling that I was angry.

I've been feeling a lot more myself this week, since starting the anti-depressants. I don't know if things have ACTUALLY kicked in, or if it's all mental. I'm sure it's both. I'm thinking that the part of my brain that was freaking out and telling me that all these things were bad is now thinking "oh thank god, she's got something to help me".

I do still notice that I get really nitpicky with things, but I'm able to kind of just walk away from it now whereas before I was right up in there (like scrubbing a faucet with an old tooth brush) to get it all in order. In stressful situations - such as last night when both kids were crying as I was trying to cook supper (which turned out to be a disaster anyway, so them crying wasn't such a big deal) - I can step back and take a deep breath. As I sat on the toilet to pee and my baby was crying in the other room, I talked (out loud like a truly crazy person) to myself and said that it's okay that baby is crying. It's okay to leave him strapped into his chair for a minute so you don't pee your pants. It's okay that your daughter is crying because you wouldn't get her another cookie. All of that will still be there (oh god) when you're done your 2 minute pee break.

One downside I've found over the past four days, though, is that I get scatterbrained. For example, I was changing the sheets on my bed and came across an article of clothing from one of the kids. I went to put it into the laundry basket in my daughter's room, and ended up making her bed before I remembered that's what I was doing in my room. I have to almost remind myself as I'm doing something that that's what I'm doing. Or if there's an order I should be doing something - such as getting the baby's bottle, getting myself a glass of water, getting my daughter's snack as the bottle warms up - I have to say it out loud, almost like a mantra. "Bottle snack water. Bottle snack water". My daughter finds this awesome because then she'll say it too, but I'm hoping this is just a little bit of something that I can get past.

I'm hoping that every day gets a little easier, and I'm sure that it will as the kids get older. Granted, the first year of a child's life is just the pits anyway with all of the doctor's appointments and immunizations and growing and learning. But once I get into the swing of things, it'll get easier on my brain and easier on my body. I don't know how I'll be mentally after this, though. After knowing that there was something intrinsically wrong up in my noggin, I wonder if that will weigh on me and I'll need to work past that. I'm mentally aware that this isn't anything that I've done; rather, it's just the way that my body and hormones and brain are all interacting.

So to cap off today's post, I just want to say that so far today has been a good day. And yesterday and the day before were good days. Am I back to normal? Hell no. It's going to take me awhile to get back to my normal. But just so long as I have good days, I'll get there.