Ah the infamous song lyrics/song title from My Chemical Romance. When thinking about the lyrics, they don't actually pertain, aside from the chorus. But that's all that I had in my head yesterday.
Yesterday, I broke.
Started out normally and a good day, if I'm being honest. My son woke up at 6am which was fine, and he took his bottle no problem. By 845, I had both kids fed and had booked appointments for eye exams for me and my daughter, and for my son's first bout of immunizations. I was working on getting our weekly meal plan finalized so we could go grocery shopping when I started getting frantic. Today, I couldn't tell you WHY I felt so frantic, but it somehow got into my head that we had to be out the door by 10am.
So I took the kids downstairs, put the boy in the bassinet and let the girl run free because let's face it, trying to force a toddler to do something they don't want to is just futile. I stepped into the shower and for some reason, the first thought in my head was "It would be really easy to drown in here". Little man was crying his butt off in the bassinet, and I was starting to tear up in the shower.
"Get it together" I thought to myself, mentally slapping my cheeks and powering through the shower. Babies cry, that's just what they do. I got out of the shower and popped the soother in his mouth (fat lot that did) and then went on with my usual routine of toner, lotion, deodorant, etc. Except the baby wouldn't stop crying. And he was getting angrier. It didn't make sense, I thought, he had a fresh diaper and a full belly. He's started being fussy when he's tired, but that's why I put him in his bassinet. So he could get a nap in before we went to the grocery store.
All this time, toddler is running around being just a normal happy toddler. Which for some reason is just driving me nuts. And the crying increases and suddenly I'm the one crying. I'm trying to ask my baby why he's crying and why he can't just shut up for two seconds, and my toddler is asking me why the baby is crying and why mommy is crying.
And even more suddenly, I'm screaming at my newborn to shut up and I'm sobbing so hard that I can't breathe. I slammed my bedroom door closed so hard that the vent grate fell out of the ceiling and scared the living crap out of my baby. And I knew, in that instant, that I needed help. I needed someone else at home to deal with the kids because I just couldn't.
Please note that I never once picked up either of my kids during this. I left my son in the bassinet and left my toddler to her own running around.
I phone my husband at work, as I'm curled up in a naked ball on the floor in my son's room, bawling my eyes out. My husband says that he can't understand me because I'm crying too hard. I tell him I need him to come home, I can't handle it. I can't do it. He asks if me and the kids are physically okay, which I tell him that yes we're physically fine, but I need him home.
That 45 minutes waiting for him to come home was the hardest thing I've done. I laid down, still naked, in my bed, clutching my baby to me and trying to get him to settle down. My toddler laid beside me in the bed, her head on my shoulder saying "Mommy, don't cry. It's okay. Don't cry" which of course made me cry harder. My husband got home and my daughter runs up the stairs and says "hi daddy! Mommy's crying. Mommy's sad"
My husband comes into our bedroom and the first thing he says to me is "Call your doctor, get him to send a prescription to the pharmacy here. You need meds".
Were I in better shape, I would have fought him on the "need" for meds. But no, it was a need. It was an actual physical need to get SOMETHING to help balance out the hormones in my body. I called my doctor's office and even though he wasn't in yesterday, I made sure leave a message for the prescription to be sent. I told a couple friends about the trouble I was having, simply because I needed someone to know. I spent the rest of the day feeling wrung out and delicate, and forced myself to spend time with my family and my husband instead of hiding in our room and holing myself up.
Today, is a better day than yesterday. Today, I started Zoloft. Today, I hope, is the beginning of the path towards getting better. Today, I begin.
No comments:
Post a Comment